Weird dreams

3 am I can't sleep, isn't it weird how you can have a dream that feels real even physical pain and emotions???

I had one and I'm just now ready to go back to sleep... I will blog tomorrow just needed to relax...

CONTENT WARNING.....

SO i've decided to change my blog name... The story of Ebony because even if I decide to change my name there will always be a part of my life where I was to myself and many others Ebony... Don't mind me its 1am and I just finished watching "what goes up." one of those touching indie movies that leave you wide awake with thought.
So non relative to the movie I think about my life in its current status; its difficult but I feel I'll make it through, I'm starting to see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I lost it for a while but (blogging) self reflection helps...
The thing that sucks! Is in my heart I want to be honest with the whole world... but I can't... I'll explain.. I understand being honest is a virtuous character flaw; yes and I mean flaw, because I feel only the virtuous should be honest because they have nothing to hide, be ashamed of, or worry that they'll offend anyone. And I'm far from virtuous unfortunately; so I find it hard to be honest with people not all but some, and you never know the person until your completely honest about who you are.
I personally feel I have nothing to hide but plenty to be ashamed of unfortunately... But that's between me and GOD right? But in life there are reasons people will never fully understand you until they know the whole truth. I would be happy to one day meet one person, maybe even a room of people, and maybe hopefully someday the whole world I could tell the details of my life story and no matter how they feel: respect and love me for being brave enough to tell it...

No matter how much I've done in my 22 years; there's things that aided in there being fucked up parts and happy parts. Unfortunately even though there's many in the world that can relate your not suppose to bring up the fucked parts of you life... for some reason its in poor taste...

So my question is... How far can you go before people can't handle hearing the fucked up things in your life even if it made you the wonderful person you are or aren't????? Why can't we be honest about who we are?

P.S I ask you my blog friends how much fucked up stuff can you bear? Do I need to add one of those content warnings because I used the word fuck???

One semester down, don't know how many to go.

So I have finished my first "official" semester at community college, which went about as half assed as I thought it would just waiting to see how bad my grade is for biology of women and how good my grade is for strategies for college success; the irony :-) And now I'm thinking I don't know if I can keep it together long enough for nursing but I'll try because I don't know what else to do. I would love to go for something fashion/business related but I feel that it would be to huge a risk. Maybe after I finish nursing, when I was 18 I would have been crazy enough to do it but now older I'm more fearful of failure...

In other news I'm feeling completely and utterly restless in Minnesota argh! I miss when I was 18 and crazy and didn't give a shit about trying to be responsible... I miss clubbing, I miss drinking, I miss riding around smoking with my girls and acting a fool! I miss it all, and it wasn't fun all the time it wasn't the best way to live but I felt alive; I miss feeling alive and not thinking about tomorrow. I have this crazy irrational thought to just run away and think about what I'm going to do later. I f I could just find some where to runaway too, that would be nice. So far Seattle, Washington is at the top of my list just gotta figure things out.

Progress... Dreaming about seattle

Well I have made some progress in school. but I have decided to drop one of my 3 classes which was world religions. I still haven't found a part time job and working 40 hours a week I can only handle the 2 classes. I'm sad but I'd rather do well in the 2 than alright in all 3.

Other than that I'm just waiting on financial aid so I can get a new car... And waiting to hear back about my interview from wells fargo bank now 3 weeks its would be the perfect job and the manager called last Monday to let me know their still going over some stuff so I haven't lost hope only because I really want the job.

Still living at my mothers for now, trying to save money or at least spend it on the right things like bills... The only thing keeping my there is the idea of me and Marcus moving to Seattle next year... We've just about become obsessed with being close to the pacific ocean and the adventure of some where new; where nobody knows us.....

Long time!

Hey all I know its been a long time. I've had a lot going on these last few months since moving back to my moms.

I have now started back to school taking 3 classes: strategies for success in college, world religions, and biology of women. none of these classes apply to my nursing degree but its my first semester back in school and I'm hoping it will help me get my feet wet and gain perspective. I'm really nervous about being officially back in school especially while working a full time job; I know it will be hard but I'm hoping to keep up.

I'm currently in the process of looking for a new job I had 2 interviews with wells fargo bank for a teller position, I feel I feel I did well in my interview but I haven't heard back from them yet; which I'm really hoping to get. I feel like I'm going to loose my mind if I don't get a new job and I also feel like I'll fall behind in school if I can't find something part time that doesn't cause as much stress.

I'm also trying to find myself religiously; I've been on the fence about Islam my whole life but now that I'm learning more I feel I'm ready to commit :-) I now feel its time to focus and push away from all the people who don't believe in GOD or act as if they believe. And although I've been on the fence about my religious walk I have always believed in GOD. But for the record I am still very liberal :-) I can't stop being open minded!

Any body have any words of encouragement? Please

Hmmm...

So ti's been a while since I have blogged sorry all. Honestly this is really sad but I'm brain dead these days; really my job has caused my brain to go to mush! I' still looking for another job but I fear I'll be stuck until I get done with school :-( its better than nothing but I really feel it's just sucking my soul!

On a semi brighter side I may be going to Chicago next weekend, I have a four day weekend from work so I want to make the best of it; but here's where the semi part comes in i have so many things I need. so I can be broke and have a vacation or I can be broke and a little more comfortable with a new bed since I'm sleeping practically on the floor until I get a new one at my moms house.

But I feel I could make it 2 more weeks right? Who knows when I'll have another 4 day weekend right? I just finally have Saturday and Sunday off! Grrr i think I'm gonna go with my trip but I'm sad every one who was going to go is now not going :-( but on the upside I do get to see my family :-/ and that can be a partial upside....

Oh I finally have pics available to post!

Moving.... Grrr!

Sorry its been a lil while I've actually had things on my mind to write about but as I told y'all before I was moving back to my mothers and now it is done! I still have a lil setting up and decorating to do but I'm officially back at the bottom of my totem pole... Which got me to thinking about statring over especially with the economy struggling as it is...



Young people shouldn't be so stressed out about moving out on thier own and parents also she push them unless they get a full ride to college. Most stay at home until their established or married. Why can't we as americans? Young independance should not be based on living in a dorm or having your own apartment.... Maybe handling your personal business and having or trying to have a job to contribute to your home and family. And yes it is a nice expierence to have your own space but also very stressful if your not ready or prepared!



And on the plus side you can save money to do all the fun things you should be like, traveling and slurging. I wen to a play last week and relaized I haven't seen as much of the arts as I would like because I've been so wrapped up and stress with trying to support myself which I was not ready for. On the news they have stated that our genertion is a new generation that is following other cultures and times and staying when they turn 18, and they should although at 18 your legal; your not mentally and after a hard headed last few years I see that myself :-) It's okay to stay home enjoy your youth! why should we rush to be adults? I always had fun as a child!