Growing up...

BTW pick is completely irrelevant... Growing up changes a lot of my perspective... So I have a confession here it is...

I was a mean girl in high school mainly; I don't know if you've seen the movie "mean girls" but that was me and my friends and people literally called us that! I've changed don't worry, I've actually always been envious of all the emo, punk rocker, anti social, and non conformist kids. Seriously!!! Unfortunately I can't pull it of now as an adult :-( And I honestly don't know how I got wrapped up in all that mean girl crap anyway (oh I was the quiet one) everyone thought I was stuck up. But actually I was shy and had slight social anxiety!!! Seriously!

So anyway I talked about people and I may have been a little mean, but unfortunately as an insecure teen talking about other people so no one will talk about you is a drug... And I was high on it whenever I was around my friends... sad but true, I was happy to have friends and not be the one they were talking about. I always felt bad about it and I wondered if any of them ever thought twice about any of the things they said or did to people.

Now I'm not going to name things I did or people because I do have a lot of my personal info posted, and I don't wanted anyone seeking revenge. But I do regret it all, I was completely immature and a bitch and I'm sorry. In hinds sight I wish I was every kid I ever ignored, talked about, or just wasn't nice to for whatever reason. I can't take it back now and you probably wouldn't want me as a friend, but just know that if I can do anything right now for you I will. I like to believe I would make a really good friend now :-)

Life......Or something like it....

Ok so it's been awhile since I posted something but every time I go to write I draw a blank... Kinda like I am now...

But here's what I've been up to working and going to school. Working part time at wells fargo 25 hours a week and trying to get 30-35 hours. So far I've managed to get 30 hours by working for people and staying later than my schedule shift.

And school I'm taking 2 classes Psychology and Enlgish which I feel I can get an A in both. They are going at a good pace for me.

I joined lifetime fitness which I feel is really nice, and I've gone 3 times since I joined on tuesday and I plan to up it to 6 times a week especially since I've gained 5 pounds randomly :-( which puts me further from my goal, now I have 20 pounds I have planned to loose by my 23rd birthday April 20th. I don't know if I can pull that of but its the plan...

Thats preety much it other than trying to figure out what I should get marcus for V-day, any ideas??????

I've also decided I will post a picture of myself or something I've been doing everytime I blog. Although I'm in my pj's still so this is just a photo I like of myself :-)

Free writing (EMO)

Since I was young. I've always been nervous about going to school, to the point that I literally got sick to my stomach the closer it got to school. When I got to school my stomach had been so twisted up I could barely think about anything but how sick I felt. The hardest part about high school for me was walking into the school and walking to my locker. Even though I was never with out friends I still felt anxiety, the anxiety to be back at school another day, to try to be social, to focus for 8 hours and not fall asleep, to find a table at lunch, to talk to my friends, to speak in class, to avoid my teachers when it was time to hand n homework that I hadn't done, to catching my bus home on time, to getting home and avoiding doing my homework, to wanting to just run away but not logically being able to and just wanting to SCREAM!!! Because I hated school, I hated homework, I hated home, and I hated my fake ass friend!

Weird dreams

3 am I can't sleep, isn't it weird how you can have a dream that feels real even physical pain and emotions???

I had one and I'm just now ready to go back to sleep... I will blog tomorrow just needed to relax...

CONTENT WARNING.....

SO i've decided to change my blog name... The story of Ebony because even if I decide to change my name there will always be a part of my life where I was to myself and many others Ebony... Don't mind me its 1am and I just finished watching "what goes up." one of those touching indie movies that leave you wide awake with thought.
So non relative to the movie I think about my life in its current status; its difficult but I feel I'll make it through, I'm starting to see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I lost it for a while but (blogging) self reflection helps...
The thing that sucks! Is in my heart I want to be honest with the whole world... but I can't... I'll explain.. I understand being honest is a virtuous character flaw; yes and I mean flaw, because I feel only the virtuous should be honest because they have nothing to hide, be ashamed of, or worry that they'll offend anyone. And I'm far from virtuous unfortunately; so I find it hard to be honest with people not all but some, and you never know the person until your completely honest about who you are.
I personally feel I have nothing to hide but plenty to be ashamed of unfortunately... But that's between me and GOD right? But in life there are reasons people will never fully understand you until they know the whole truth. I would be happy to one day meet one person, maybe even a room of people, and maybe hopefully someday the whole world I could tell the details of my life story and no matter how they feel: respect and love me for being brave enough to tell it...

No matter how much I've done in my 22 years; there's things that aided in there being fucked up parts and happy parts. Unfortunately even though there's many in the world that can relate your not suppose to bring up the fucked parts of you life... for some reason its in poor taste...

So my question is... How far can you go before people can't handle hearing the fucked up things in your life even if it made you the wonderful person you are or aren't????? Why can't we be honest about who we are?

P.S I ask you my blog friends how much fucked up stuff can you bear? Do I need to add one of those content warnings because I used the word fuck???

One semester down, don't know how many to go.

So I have finished my first "official" semester at community college, which went about as half assed as I thought it would just waiting to see how bad my grade is for biology of women and how good my grade is for strategies for college success; the irony :-) And now I'm thinking I don't know if I can keep it together long enough for nursing but I'll try because I don't know what else to do. I would love to go for something fashion/business related but I feel that it would be to huge a risk. Maybe after I finish nursing, when I was 18 I would have been crazy enough to do it but now older I'm more fearful of failure...

In other news I'm feeling completely and utterly restless in Minnesota argh! I miss when I was 18 and crazy and didn't give a shit about trying to be responsible... I miss clubbing, I miss drinking, I miss riding around smoking with my girls and acting a fool! I miss it all, and it wasn't fun all the time it wasn't the best way to live but I felt alive; I miss feeling alive and not thinking about tomorrow. I have this crazy irrational thought to just run away and think about what I'm going to do later. I f I could just find some where to runaway too, that would be nice. So far Seattle, Washington is at the top of my list just gotta figure things out.

Progress... Dreaming about seattle

Well I have made some progress in school. but I have decided to drop one of my 3 classes which was world religions. I still haven't found a part time job and working 40 hours a week I can only handle the 2 classes. I'm sad but I'd rather do well in the 2 than alright in all 3.

Other than that I'm just waiting on financial aid so I can get a new car... And waiting to hear back about my interview from wells fargo bank now 3 weeks its would be the perfect job and the manager called last Monday to let me know their still going over some stuff so I haven't lost hope only because I really want the job.

Still living at my mothers for now, trying to save money or at least spend it on the right things like bills... The only thing keeping my there is the idea of me and Marcus moving to Seattle next year... We've just about become obsessed with being close to the pacific ocean and the adventure of some where new; where nobody knows us.....