Hmmm...

So ti's been a while since I have blogged sorry all. Honestly this is really sad but I'm brain dead these days; really my job has caused my brain to go to mush! I' still looking for another job but I fear I'll be stuck until I get done with school :-( its better than nothing but I really feel it's just sucking my soul!

On a semi brighter side I may be going to Chicago next weekend, I have a four day weekend from work so I want to make the best of it; but here's where the semi part comes in i have so many things I need. so I can be broke and have a vacation or I can be broke and a little more comfortable with a new bed since I'm sleeping practically on the floor until I get a new one at my moms house.

But I feel I could make it 2 more weeks right? Who knows when I'll have another 4 day weekend right? I just finally have Saturday and Sunday off! Grrr i think I'm gonna go with my trip but I'm sad every one who was going to go is now not going :-( but on the upside I do get to see my family :-/ and that can be a partial upside....

Oh I finally have pics available to post!

Moving.... Grrr!

Sorry its been a lil while I've actually had things on my mind to write about but as I told y'all before I was moving back to my mothers and now it is done! I still have a lil setting up and decorating to do but I'm officially back at the bottom of my totem pole... Which got me to thinking about statring over especially with the economy struggling as it is...



Young people shouldn't be so stressed out about moving out on thier own and parents also she push them unless they get a full ride to college. Most stay at home until their established or married. Why can't we as americans? Young independance should not be based on living in a dorm or having your own apartment.... Maybe handling your personal business and having or trying to have a job to contribute to your home and family. And yes it is a nice expierence to have your own space but also very stressful if your not ready or prepared!



And on the plus side you can save money to do all the fun things you should be like, traveling and slurging. I wen to a play last week and relaized I haven't seen as much of the arts as I would like because I've been so wrapped up and stress with trying to support myself which I was not ready for. On the news they have stated that our genertion is a new generation that is following other cultures and times and staying when they turn 18, and they should although at 18 your legal; your not mentally and after a hard headed last few years I see that myself :-) It's okay to stay home enjoy your youth! why should we rush to be adults? I always had fun as a child!

Relationships and religion....

okay Sheri and Abby I can actually combine both ideas :-) since its been a recent occurrence in my life. But I have more about religion so I'll come back to the boyfriend...

So I was raised Christian; Baptist to be exact. When I was young my mother and I attend a church where the minister was a almost extreme southern baptist; like you couldn't even wear pants in the church as a woman, you had to wear a skirts... Not my favorite thing... I liked going to church as a kid because as an almost only child I got to be around I lot of kids and it wasn't like school; Actually it was my idea to go to church in the first place; funny because I ended up hating it :-( Mainly because I felt like I was being forced to believe in something that I didn't and I had to sit all day and listen about something I didn't understand because my mom loved it...

Now don't get me wrong I believe in GOD, I just didn't believe fully in Jesus and understand why I was going to hell if I didn't believe in Jesus but I believed and understood GOD. As a kid this was hard and as an adult I feel it was crazy. I remember being 16 in bible study class and speaking up and saying I didn't believe in Jesus being the son of GOD sent from heaven to die for our sins.... It broke out in an up roar they were praying over me waving bibles in my face and crying! It's not that I don't believe Jesus the man didn't exist but the chosen part was hard for me to wrap my mind around... Now I have read and heard the story time and time again. But I also understand that there were allot of people claiming to be the chosen one and son of GOD, Jesus never claimed himself to be any more special than us. So why is that him being crucified does anything for my sins; and if it does why do I have to believe in him; if were all the children of GOD wouldn't that apply to every one, not just the ones who believe in him?

In a way I feel my views follow Judaism more than Christianity... But on to combing the two ideas Now my boyfriend was raised nation of Islam and later is switching over to orthodox Islam; which in a way has the same relationship as Christianity to Judaism. He now wants to get serious and will soon be committing himself to being Muslim, So its not a big issue but I have had my struggles with religion and I'm not the best with rules and structure; which is a big deal in religion, especially if you know better you should be doing better, right? Which is hard; Me and my boyfriend live together and we do plan to get married but it won't be for a while and part of me feels its to late to back track in our relationship, and Waite till we get married you know? ;-) Another thing is can I be with someone and not be committed to a religion when they are? Especially if its different from the one I was raised in? I do think about converting but that will take time and learning more for myself; which is crazy cuz I've thought about it since I was little and watching my sister who is a Muslim convert pray... The funny thing is it makes more sense, even though it would be hard for me, and another is my mother being a serious Christian would have a heart attack if I converted :-P

Cancelled....

Okay so we have cancelled our trip and will take it for a later date... Thats okay, we went shopping and got alot of stuff instead! A lot of new shirts and shoes... Which was very necessary; I originally need a pair of jeans but I have yet to find a good pair since I've gained weight :-(

But I had an allergic reaction to something and now my face broken out in hives but i'm not sure what it is... I only have one allergy and thats to a medication... its soo weird... :-?

Well just a small update nothing else going on....... Oh I have an idea, Maybe you guys can request for me to write about something; Like how I feel about a random concept, idea, clothing food, religion, culture whatever!!! And I'll be honest!

Memorial weekend................

Sorry its been a lil while... i haven't had anything in mind to write about but updates... Hmmm next weekend is memorial weekend I have a mini trip for me and my guy to go to chicago, IL. If my co-worker agrees ARRRGGGHHH she's taking forever to make up her mind!!!! Even though I understand how no one would want to work a saturday especially at 6:30am but I do it every saturday and sunday! My jobs is so under staffed I can't even used my paid time off hours!!! How lame is that, I would call in sick but i've done it too much now :-( Wish me luck!!!

My weekend....

So drill again! We went to the range up north 3 hours a way... Blah a long drive in the hummer, which is not comfortable but I made it. Went to the range but we only used paper targets instead of our usual pop ups :-( which was sad for me because I need action to get me motivated. I qualified but just barley because i felt the paper did not provide a real life experience; not that I ever want to kill anybody but it gets a lot of stress out to shoot down my target like my issues and see them fall down! It helped but I may make a personal trip to another range. I shot m16 which is a form of rifle (23 out of 40), 9mm (24 out of 40) which is the hand gun like police use and 240B which is a machine gun! Unfortunately with the paper targets I lost focused and didn't get sharp shooter just marksman= passing.

Old times........ For the day........ Pieces of me......

So my friend I mentioned I hung out with yesterday and also saw her mother and aunt who I love as if they were my own :-) and I was happy to see them I hadn't see them in so long....

I vented my feelings of frustration and abandonment with my friend who's been M.I.A in action so long! I'm happy I spoke my peace and it was back to old times for the day... But I'm still frustrated and that won't go way; at least until I see what will happen with our friendship.

I'm mostly bitter because I feel I'm a genuine friend and I don't feel it fair for people to walk in and out of my life whenever they feel like it. That issue comes from my relationship with my father and him being in and out of prison; So the issue runs deep!!!

It's hard to let people in because you never know how long they'll be around. And when they leave they take a piece of you with them. I wear my heart on my sleeve ( as my mother says) and I can't have my heart and soul spread all over.... Those pieces never come back; How long before there's nothing left for me to give..... and I'm turning cold :-( I don't want to be old bitter and alone, with no one to love and no one loving me, no friends or companions....