15 pounds in 20 days???

So I am trying to loose weight by my birthday in order to motivate me to continue exercising and being on track to being more healthy... So I have taken a vow not to drink anything but water and tea with out sugar. This will be hard for me but I know I'll be happy with the result!!! I weigh myself in the mornings before I eat and I'm at 175.2, I think I'm off to a good start. So wish me luck...

P.s this is not unhealthy I am eating 3-4 smaller meals a day and exercising. I am currently very over weight for my height, so losing 5 pounds a week is not unhealthy. I am just getting serious about making sure I stick to eating healthy and exercising.

A little un-motivated...

I have not been feeling motivated at all these last 2 weeks. I actually have not attended school for almost two weeks even though I only have 2 classes one time a week each, I've been struggling to find a reason to go. This is pretty much what happened the last time I went to school the first semester was mediocre and the second one I dropped out of which is not something I want to do again but I feel there's no point in school right now. I see no light at the end of my educational tunnel between trying to work and live a life its really hard.

I personally wasn't blesses with parents that are exactly educationally supportive. My mom actually asked when do I plan to move out! Which is rather discouraging considering I've only been living with her about 7 or 8 months now. And when I explained how long it would take me to finish school she seemed all the more irritated by the fact that I've decided work part time, to go back to school, and live with her... And honestly it's hard to focus in her living space because I don't feel comfortable or like its my home.

I also struggle with the idea of home work, why go to class for 4 hours only to have to come home and spend 6-8 more hours during the week doing work for one class?!

I tell you I don't know what to do with myself I'm considering going back to work full time and really taking this one class at a time while I work through my career road map at Wellsfargo.... I feel I'm a worker bee, not quite the studious bee...

Growing up...

BTW pick is completely irrelevant... Growing up changes a lot of my perspective... So I have a confession here it is...

I was a mean girl in high school mainly; I don't know if you've seen the movie "mean girls" but that was me and my friends and people literally called us that! I've changed don't worry, I've actually always been envious of all the emo, punk rocker, anti social, and non conformist kids. Seriously!!! Unfortunately I can't pull it of now as an adult :-( And I honestly don't know how I got wrapped up in all that mean girl crap anyway (oh I was the quiet one) everyone thought I was stuck up. But actually I was shy and had slight social anxiety!!! Seriously!

So anyway I talked about people and I may have been a little mean, but unfortunately as an insecure teen talking about other people so no one will talk about you is a drug... And I was high on it whenever I was around my friends... sad but true, I was happy to have friends and not be the one they were talking about. I always felt bad about it and I wondered if any of them ever thought twice about any of the things they said or did to people.

Now I'm not going to name things I did or people because I do have a lot of my personal info posted, and I don't wanted anyone seeking revenge. But I do regret it all, I was completely immature and a bitch and I'm sorry. In hinds sight I wish I was every kid I ever ignored, talked about, or just wasn't nice to for whatever reason. I can't take it back now and you probably wouldn't want me as a friend, but just know that if I can do anything right now for you I will. I like to believe I would make a really good friend now :-)

Life......Or something like it....

Ok so it's been awhile since I posted something but every time I go to write I draw a blank... Kinda like I am now...

But here's what I've been up to working and going to school. Working part time at wells fargo 25 hours a week and trying to get 30-35 hours. So far I've managed to get 30 hours by working for people and staying later than my schedule shift.

And school I'm taking 2 classes Psychology and Enlgish which I feel I can get an A in both. They are going at a good pace for me.

I joined lifetime fitness which I feel is really nice, and I've gone 3 times since I joined on tuesday and I plan to up it to 6 times a week especially since I've gained 5 pounds randomly :-( which puts me further from my goal, now I have 20 pounds I have planned to loose by my 23rd birthday April 20th. I don't know if I can pull that of but its the plan...

Thats preety much it other than trying to figure out what I should get marcus for V-day, any ideas??????

I've also decided I will post a picture of myself or something I've been doing everytime I blog. Although I'm in my pj's still so this is just a photo I like of myself :-)

Free writing (EMO)

Since I was young. I've always been nervous about going to school, to the point that I literally got sick to my stomach the closer it got to school. When I got to school my stomach had been so twisted up I could barely think about anything but how sick I felt. The hardest part about high school for me was walking into the school and walking to my locker. Even though I was never with out friends I still felt anxiety, the anxiety to be back at school another day, to try to be social, to focus for 8 hours and not fall asleep, to find a table at lunch, to talk to my friends, to speak in class, to avoid my teachers when it was time to hand n homework that I hadn't done, to catching my bus home on time, to getting home and avoiding doing my homework, to wanting to just run away but not logically being able to and just wanting to SCREAM!!! Because I hated school, I hated homework, I hated home, and I hated my fake ass friend!

Weird dreams

3 am I can't sleep, isn't it weird how you can have a dream that feels real even physical pain and emotions???

I had one and I'm just now ready to go back to sleep... I will blog tomorrow just needed to relax...

CONTENT WARNING.....

SO i've decided to change my blog name... The story of Ebony because even if I decide to change my name there will always be a part of my life where I was to myself and many others Ebony... Don't mind me its 1am and I just finished watching "what goes up." one of those touching indie movies that leave you wide awake with thought.
So non relative to the movie I think about my life in its current status; its difficult but I feel I'll make it through, I'm starting to see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I lost it for a while but (blogging) self reflection helps...
The thing that sucks! Is in my heart I want to be honest with the whole world... but I can't... I'll explain.. I understand being honest is a virtuous character flaw; yes and I mean flaw, because I feel only the virtuous should be honest because they have nothing to hide, be ashamed of, or worry that they'll offend anyone. And I'm far from virtuous unfortunately; so I find it hard to be honest with people not all but some, and you never know the person until your completely honest about who you are.
I personally feel I have nothing to hide but plenty to be ashamed of unfortunately... But that's between me and GOD right? But in life there are reasons people will never fully understand you until they know the whole truth. I would be happy to one day meet one person, maybe even a room of people, and maybe hopefully someday the whole world I could tell the details of my life story and no matter how they feel: respect and love me for being brave enough to tell it...

No matter how much I've done in my 22 years; there's things that aided in there being fucked up parts and happy parts. Unfortunately even though there's many in the world that can relate your not suppose to bring up the fucked parts of you life... for some reason its in poor taste...

So my question is... How far can you go before people can't handle hearing the fucked up things in your life even if it made you the wonderful person you are or aren't????? Why can't we be honest about who we are?

P.S I ask you my blog friends how much fucked up stuff can you bear? Do I need to add one of those content warnings because I used the word fuck???