URggHHH! My weight!

Okay so I know everybody says oh you can't just go off the number on the scale but lately I can; I haven't worked out since December and I have no muscle mass. So what I'll do for now is cardio so I can burn fat that weight I can look at the pounds I loose... I don't really want to build muscle mass; I especially wont focus on it since its inevitable. But Today is the day! SERIOUSLY!!! I know I've been harping on it and whining... But I'm deed serious I want to drop 10 pounds by 04/20 which is my birthday and that means really cracking down so starting this evening I will be working out; This year is the year I turn my life around not only will I loose the weight again... But I will keep it of and I want every one to hold me to it! Now I know 20 days is close in order to loose 10 lbs so I'll account that it may be 6 lbs which is healthy. And every Sunday I'll take measurements not just rely on the scale; and also take pictures. So I can see the difference for myself. I'm now officially done with being over weight; I want to be me old curvy but petite/ athletic self. So I'll be hitting the gym 6 days a week at least 4-5 days for an hour to hour and half. Anyone want to join me in loosing those pounds??? I have a long way to go but it may go by faster if I know there's someone out there doing it to. :-) So I want to loose 35 pounds; usually the first pounds are easiest so My first goal is 10 pounds. Wish me luck! And any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Love

Does it grow?
Does it fade?
Do you love with your whole heart;
or just part?
Is love true?
Sometimes it makes me blue...
Does love Rhyme like this poem?
Or is it wild like a boheme?
If love is lost can it be found?
Like a sock with a basset hound.
Does he love me or not, he told me once;
but I forgot....
I wear my heart on my sleeve,
some times his I can not see.
Is this love true?
Or am I in love with you?
I'm confused, do I make sense; or dollars?
It's a rainy day...
My heads in another place from my face.
My heart is in the shade.

Its official!

So I have swallowed my pride ( with my boyfriends convincing). I am moving back in to my mothers house. Now some may not feel this to be to bad, I mean my sister has and she's 34 and she's content especially the part where she saves alot of money, which will make it easier for me. But me I'm stubborn and hard headed and I love to do things my way. which is why I moved out in the first place, which isn't hard to do in minnesota since its affordable; but now its time for me to crack down and get serious about going to school, which I'd liked to have finished by the time I'm 25. I was so nervous to talk to my mom, IDK why but I was; she's happy that I'm serious about going back to school; Especially since she told me I should just go for nursing. I was being difficult but it turns out I could actually be a really good nurse; I found this out from doing my clinicals in nursing assistant class. So there we have it step one!

Red Lobster

So last night me and my co-workers/ friends went out to eat at red lobster, its our stress relief from working; we figure at least once a month we could get together outside of work and have fun, also to gripe and gossip about work....

So my boyfriend had this idea for a movie similar to office space and waiting; if any of you have seen those movies that's how i feel about my job. If you haven't basically office space/ waiting are 90's movies about working less than shit jobs and how we deal with them; peoples day to day frustration with work but in a comedy because this can be depressing... I do recommend if you haven't seen either you should they're funny and if you've ever worked in a restaurant or office you'll understand... Shameless plug but waiting has a "sequel" called still waiting which is even more funny than the last and makes reference to a hooters type restaurant; as a gateway job to striping. No offense to any one at all.

My vice is FOOD! Weight on my mind again... *** Also Updated page so anyone can leave comments***

So it's a terrible world we live in when one can feel guilty just for eating :-( Which is what I feel now... I got this website to keep track of calories and what I eat and even calories a burn now this is a nice tool. http://www.thedailyplate.com/ But sometimes I wonder if this borders on being obsessive? counting calories what kind of society does one live in where they have to literally monitor their intake because our food is fatty and portions are out of control...

I must also give you some Back ground on myself.... So you understand my need to be obsessive... In high school I was athletic so I could eat what ever I wanted and not gain weight cuz I was always active; from there I joined the army which I could eat double what I wanted and managed to have the body of a pro athlete.... But after that I returned home and being African American when ever opportunity arises we cook; good, bad, sad, weddings and death; there is opportunity to gorge yourself. Me being a gluttoness~ My major sin... I love to go out to eat fancy restaurants all types of food not just my own but I embraces all cultures when it comes to food and will try anything once :-) my faves Ethiopian(anything African), Korean, Japanese, Italian, french, Mexican, Caribbean, Indian, Chinese, Mongolian, and middle eastern especially Afghani!

But subsequently I gained at least 30 pounds/ 13 kilo! lost it then gained it back again recently; now I'm overweight but not ashamed to admit I now weight on a good day 170 pounds/ 77 kilo and I'm 64" inches tall :-( but I guess I carry it well considering muscle mass; but I don't look my usually athletic curvy self that once weighed in High school 140 pounds/ 63 kilo....

Now with this guilt I have in mind I did track my calories for what I ate last night at Wendy's one of my many favorite guilty pleasures; my vice food and fast food!!!! So I find my food in the search engine and it seems I have consumed my daily calories in one sitting 1,500 calories damn near in one meal! May I also add I was being greedy and all I eat prior the whole day was a measly hot pocket, may I also add that I was sad and seeking comfort in a spicy chicken burger and large fries ( which was very tasty) but now I feel shamed for this sick indulgence of mine and must do at least an hour on the elliptical today...

NO DOUBT (RETURN OF SATURN) SONGS ON MY MIND

"Suspension Without A Suspense"

My divorce from dependence

That's when you found me

I was still soft

And we always were in trouble

Odds stacked against us

And trouble's what we are

We get so far

And then it just starts rewinding

And the same old song

We're playing it again

Suspension without suspense

Now that I've murdered your inspiration

And I forced you off

Do you hate me?

Do you want revenge?

I want to call you

But I won't

We get so far

And then it just starts rewinding

And the same old song

We're playing it again

Suspension without suspense

Oh the pessimistic protection plan

Moderation loving

I've been hardened by the circumstance

We knew this was coming

We get so far

And then it just starts rewinding

And the same old song

We're playing it again

Suspension without suspense

We get so far

And then it just starts rewinding

And the same old song

We're playing it again and again

Suspension without suspense

Intentions without intent

But I don't want the love we have to end

NO DOUBT (RETURN OF SATURN) SONGS ON MY MIND

"Artificial Sweetener"

Oh yes I'm guilty

For leasing myself out

Not ready to go up for sale

Can't seem to give it up

Stubborn, so selfish

I'm showing off the worst in me

The return of Saturn

Assessing my life Second guessing...

I'm full of artificial sweetener

My heart's been deceitful

It's all artificial sweetener

I'm faking I love you's

You're forcing me to

You really deserve love

I want to love you

But I can't seem to find myself

My wilting effort

Our progress report

I'm only sure that I'm not sure

I shudder to be honest

Who's behind it all now?

Who's the author?

I'm full of artificial sweetener

My heart's been deceitful

It's all artificial sweetener

I'm faking I love you's

You're forcing me to

Re-read, re-write, redo, undo

I'm stuck on this page

I was born two weeks late

Is that why I hesitate?

I'm on the fence

Push me off it

I want to be on your side now

And keep a promise

I'm full of artificial sweetener

My heart's been deceitful

It's all artificial sweetener

My heart's been deceitfulI

'm faking I love you's

You're forcing me to

NO DOUBT (RETURN OF SATURN) SONGS ON MY MIND

"Comforting Lie"

I started out on the wrong foot

Now I'm not myself

I am Jekyll, I am Hyde

Found this place to hide

Come seek me

Oh, so up and down

So back and forth So insecure

Can't get this taste out of my mouth

Swallow it down

Pretend

Hold it, hold it all in

Let it build up Build a bomb

Blow it, blow it away

Clear it all out

Just end it

I'm just a normal person

Without those problems

When did it change?

Admissions so embarrassing

I'm on the verge of tears again

Hold it, hold it all in

Let it build up

Build a bomb

And blow it, blow it away

Clear it all out

Just end it

Oh look I took the Band-Aid off

Did I take it off too soon?

Hysterical confession

My big courageous move

Don't gasp at the predictable

A comforting lie can't last

Preordained checklist of this awkward love

It's so sad

Hold it, hold it all in

Let it build up

Oh, build a bomb

Blow it, blow it away

Clear it all out

Just end it

Sort it, sort it out

Just give it back

No thank you

Toss it, toss it away

Eliminate Just give up

I can't decide

This tug of war

I'm feeling weak

NO DOUBT (RETURN OF SATURN) SONGS ON MY MIND

Too Late lyrics

I just want to take you away from everyone

And keep you stashed under my pillowAnd then I'd take you out simply for my own pleasure

And wear you when the occasions special

Then I'd put you on like a diamond

So I can sparkle and be the envy of my friends

I'd proudly hold the leash that I'd have you on

So you can't stray and follow me around all day

It's too late nowI don't think it can fade

It's too real now Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blaze

Compulsion has stained me I'm nervously cradling our young love, without known limits love

Like a butterfly cupped in my hands I peek in[TK1] to see beauty trapped

Confined it flutters Then it leaves behind colorful dust

To remind me of the special times we've spent

But of course it has to leave my clutch

But enough's never enough to make a dent It's too late now

I don't think it can fadeIt's too real now

Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blazeAnd in time it will end

And there really isn't hope for the two of us

But right now I give in...It's too late now

I don't think it can fade

It's too real now Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blaze

Fulfillment just adds fuel to the Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blaze

I HATE MY JOB!!!!

So I work at a customer service call center and we get paid base pay I'm not ashamed so I'll admit I get paid $12.79 and depending on how well you do like any customer service job you get paid for your performance. Well we've been going through changes as far as quality where someone listens to your call and grades it based on how well you covered all info. patience, nice and everything that needed to be given to the person regarding what they called for. They've now cracked down and what used to be 101% is now 95% which some would say is not bad still but in order to get an extra .50 cents 101%, 102%= $1.00, $1.50=102%, $2.00= 103%, 2.50 = 104% and finally $3.00 = 105%. So you see my $12.79 an hour which is far from enough for the crap I put up with can become $15.79 which make this pice of shit job partially worth my time >:-/

But since my manager failed to tell me my break scheduled changed 11 days into the month, I don't get it. WTF!!!!!!!!!!

Loosing weight?

Why do they call it loosing weight? why wouldn't they call it getting rid off or killing excess weight because its not like I would want to find it if I lost it :-/ So I'm really frustrated and it seems like the more I want to loose weight, the harder it is... I have even gained a few pounds! I find myself starring at the scale wondering why it has a vendetta against me! I haven't been doing a specific diet or meal plan I just try not to eat bad foods and excede 1,500 calories especially since I don't work out that should be good, right? I try to to work out but don't always get to it now I have 30 pounds to loose now. It seems like it will never happen.... This has been a very frustrating thing for the last 4 years for me, I lost weight once before and gained it back worse than before; it seems impossible now, even though I did it before :-(