CONTENT WARNING.....

SO i've decided to change my blog name... The story of Ebony because even if I decide to change my name there will always be a part of my life where I was to myself and many others Ebony... Don't mind me its 1am and I just finished watching "what goes up." one of those touching indie movies that leave you wide awake with thought.
So non relative to the movie I think about my life in its current status; its difficult but I feel I'll make it through, I'm starting to see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I lost it for a while but (blogging) self reflection helps...
The thing that sucks! Is in my heart I want to be honest with the whole world... but I can't... I'll explain.. I understand being honest is a virtuous character flaw; yes and I mean flaw, because I feel only the virtuous should be honest because they have nothing to hide, be ashamed of, or worry that they'll offend anyone. And I'm far from virtuous unfortunately; so I find it hard to be honest with people not all but some, and you never know the person until your completely honest about who you are.
I personally feel I have nothing to hide but plenty to be ashamed of unfortunately... But that's between me and GOD right? But in life there are reasons people will never fully understand you until they know the whole truth. I would be happy to one day meet one person, maybe even a room of people, and maybe hopefully someday the whole world I could tell the details of my life story and no matter how they feel: respect and love me for being brave enough to tell it...

No matter how much I've done in my 22 years; there's things that aided in there being fucked up parts and happy parts. Unfortunately even though there's many in the world that can relate your not suppose to bring up the fucked parts of you life... for some reason its in poor taste...

So my question is... How far can you go before people can't handle hearing the fucked up things in your life even if it made you the wonderful person you are or aren't????? Why can't we be honest about who we are?

P.S I ask you my blog friends how much fucked up stuff can you bear? Do I need to add one of those content warnings because I used the word fuck???

One semester down, don't know how many to go.

So I have finished my first "official" semester at community college, which went about as half assed as I thought it would just waiting to see how bad my grade is for biology of women and how good my grade is for strategies for college success; the irony :-) And now I'm thinking I don't know if I can keep it together long enough for nursing but I'll try because I don't know what else to do. I would love to go for something fashion/business related but I feel that it would be to huge a risk. Maybe after I finish nursing, when I was 18 I would have been crazy enough to do it but now older I'm more fearful of failure...

In other news I'm feeling completely and utterly restless in Minnesota argh! I miss when I was 18 and crazy and didn't give a shit about trying to be responsible... I miss clubbing, I miss drinking, I miss riding around smoking with my girls and acting a fool! I miss it all, and it wasn't fun all the time it wasn't the best way to live but I felt alive; I miss feeling alive and not thinking about tomorrow. I have this crazy irrational thought to just run away and think about what I'm going to do later. I f I could just find some where to runaway too, that would be nice. So far Seattle, Washington is at the top of my list just gotta figure things out.

Progress... Dreaming about seattle

Well I have made some progress in school. but I have decided to drop one of my 3 classes which was world religions. I still haven't found a part time job and working 40 hours a week I can only handle the 2 classes. I'm sad but I'd rather do well in the 2 than alright in all 3.

Other than that I'm just waiting on financial aid so I can get a new car... And waiting to hear back about my interview from wells fargo bank now 3 weeks its would be the perfect job and the manager called last Monday to let me know their still going over some stuff so I haven't lost hope only because I really want the job.

Still living at my mothers for now, trying to save money or at least spend it on the right things like bills... The only thing keeping my there is the idea of me and Marcus moving to Seattle next year... We've just about become obsessed with being close to the pacific ocean and the adventure of some where new; where nobody knows us.....

Long time!

Hey all I know its been a long time. I've had a lot going on these last few months since moving back to my moms.

I have now started back to school taking 3 classes: strategies for success in college, world religions, and biology of women. none of these classes apply to my nursing degree but its my first semester back in school and I'm hoping it will help me get my feet wet and gain perspective. I'm really nervous about being officially back in school especially while working a full time job; I know it will be hard but I'm hoping to keep up.

I'm currently in the process of looking for a new job I had 2 interviews with wells fargo bank for a teller position, I feel I feel I did well in my interview but I haven't heard back from them yet; which I'm really hoping to get. I feel like I'm going to loose my mind if I don't get a new job and I also feel like I'll fall behind in school if I can't find something part time that doesn't cause as much stress.

I'm also trying to find myself religiously; I've been on the fence about Islam my whole life but now that I'm learning more I feel I'm ready to commit :-) I now feel its time to focus and push away from all the people who don't believe in GOD or act as if they believe. And although I've been on the fence about my religious walk I have always believed in GOD. But for the record I am still very liberal :-) I can't stop being open minded!

Any body have any words of encouragement? Please

Hmmm...

So ti's been a while since I have blogged sorry all. Honestly this is really sad but I'm brain dead these days; really my job has caused my brain to go to mush! I' still looking for another job but I fear I'll be stuck until I get done with school :-( its better than nothing but I really feel it's just sucking my soul!

On a semi brighter side I may be going to Chicago next weekend, I have a four day weekend from work so I want to make the best of it; but here's where the semi part comes in i have so many things I need. so I can be broke and have a vacation or I can be broke and a little more comfortable with a new bed since I'm sleeping practically on the floor until I get a new one at my moms house.

But I feel I could make it 2 more weeks right? Who knows when I'll have another 4 day weekend right? I just finally have Saturday and Sunday off! Grrr i think I'm gonna go with my trip but I'm sad every one who was going to go is now not going :-( but on the upside I do get to see my family :-/ and that can be a partial upside....

Oh I finally have pics available to post!

Moving.... Grrr!

Sorry its been a lil while I've actually had things on my mind to write about but as I told y'all before I was moving back to my mothers and now it is done! I still have a lil setting up and decorating to do but I'm officially back at the bottom of my totem pole... Which got me to thinking about statring over especially with the economy struggling as it is...



Young people shouldn't be so stressed out about moving out on thier own and parents also she push them unless they get a full ride to college. Most stay at home until their established or married. Why can't we as americans? Young independance should not be based on living in a dorm or having your own apartment.... Maybe handling your personal business and having or trying to have a job to contribute to your home and family. And yes it is a nice expierence to have your own space but also very stressful if your not ready or prepared!



And on the plus side you can save money to do all the fun things you should be like, traveling and slurging. I wen to a play last week and relaized I haven't seen as much of the arts as I would like because I've been so wrapped up and stress with trying to support myself which I was not ready for. On the news they have stated that our genertion is a new generation that is following other cultures and times and staying when they turn 18, and they should although at 18 your legal; your not mentally and after a hard headed last few years I see that myself :-) It's okay to stay home enjoy your youth! why should we rush to be adults? I always had fun as a child!

Relationships and religion....

okay Sheri and Abby I can actually combine both ideas :-) since its been a recent occurrence in my life. But I have more about religion so I'll come back to the boyfriend...

So I was raised Christian; Baptist to be exact. When I was young my mother and I attend a church where the minister was a almost extreme southern baptist; like you couldn't even wear pants in the church as a woman, you had to wear a skirts... Not my favorite thing... I liked going to church as a kid because as an almost only child I got to be around I lot of kids and it wasn't like school; Actually it was my idea to go to church in the first place; funny because I ended up hating it :-( Mainly because I felt like I was being forced to believe in something that I didn't and I had to sit all day and listen about something I didn't understand because my mom loved it...

Now don't get me wrong I believe in GOD, I just didn't believe fully in Jesus and understand why I was going to hell if I didn't believe in Jesus but I believed and understood GOD. As a kid this was hard and as an adult I feel it was crazy. I remember being 16 in bible study class and speaking up and saying I didn't believe in Jesus being the son of GOD sent from heaven to die for our sins.... It broke out in an up roar they were praying over me waving bibles in my face and crying! It's not that I don't believe Jesus the man didn't exist but the chosen part was hard for me to wrap my mind around... Now I have read and heard the story time and time again. But I also understand that there were allot of people claiming to be the chosen one and son of GOD, Jesus never claimed himself to be any more special than us. So why is that him being crucified does anything for my sins; and if it does why do I have to believe in him; if were all the children of GOD wouldn't that apply to every one, not just the ones who believe in him?

In a way I feel my views follow Judaism more than Christianity... But on to combing the two ideas Now my boyfriend was raised nation of Islam and later is switching over to orthodox Islam; which in a way has the same relationship as Christianity to Judaism. He now wants to get serious and will soon be committing himself to being Muslim, So its not a big issue but I have had my struggles with religion and I'm not the best with rules and structure; which is a big deal in religion, especially if you know better you should be doing better, right? Which is hard; Me and my boyfriend live together and we do plan to get married but it won't be for a while and part of me feels its to late to back track in our relationship, and Waite till we get married you know? ;-) Another thing is can I be with someone and not be committed to a religion when they are? Especially if its different from the one I was raised in? I do think about converting but that will take time and learning more for myself; which is crazy cuz I've thought about it since I was little and watching my sister who is a Muslim convert pray... The funny thing is it makes more sense, even though it would be hard for me, and another is my mother being a serious Christian would have a heart attack if I converted :-P

Cancelled....

Okay so we have cancelled our trip and will take it for a later date... Thats okay, we went shopping and got alot of stuff instead! A lot of new shirts and shoes... Which was very necessary; I originally need a pair of jeans but I have yet to find a good pair since I've gained weight :-(

But I had an allergic reaction to something and now my face broken out in hives but i'm not sure what it is... I only have one allergy and thats to a medication... its soo weird... :-?

Well just a small update nothing else going on....... Oh I have an idea, Maybe you guys can request for me to write about something; Like how I feel about a random concept, idea, clothing food, religion, culture whatever!!! And I'll be honest!

Memorial weekend................

Sorry its been a lil while... i haven't had anything in mind to write about but updates... Hmmm next weekend is memorial weekend I have a mini trip for me and my guy to go to chicago, IL. If my co-worker agrees ARRRGGGHHH she's taking forever to make up her mind!!!! Even though I understand how no one would want to work a saturday especially at 6:30am but I do it every saturday and sunday! My jobs is so under staffed I can't even used my paid time off hours!!! How lame is that, I would call in sick but i've done it too much now :-( Wish me luck!!!

My weekend....

So drill again! We went to the range up north 3 hours a way... Blah a long drive in the hummer, which is not comfortable but I made it. Went to the range but we only used paper targets instead of our usual pop ups :-( which was sad for me because I need action to get me motivated. I qualified but just barley because i felt the paper did not provide a real life experience; not that I ever want to kill anybody but it gets a lot of stress out to shoot down my target like my issues and see them fall down! It helped but I may make a personal trip to another range. I shot m16 which is a form of rifle (23 out of 40), 9mm (24 out of 40) which is the hand gun like police use and 240B which is a machine gun! Unfortunately with the paper targets I lost focused and didn't get sharp shooter just marksman= passing.

Old times........ For the day........ Pieces of me......

So my friend I mentioned I hung out with yesterday and also saw her mother and aunt who I love as if they were my own :-) and I was happy to see them I hadn't see them in so long....

I vented my feelings of frustration and abandonment with my friend who's been M.I.A in action so long! I'm happy I spoke my peace and it was back to old times for the day... But I'm still frustrated and that won't go way; at least until I see what will happen with our friendship.

I'm mostly bitter because I feel I'm a genuine friend and I don't feel it fair for people to walk in and out of my life whenever they feel like it. That issue comes from my relationship with my father and him being in and out of prison; So the issue runs deep!!!

It's hard to let people in because you never know how long they'll be around. And when they leave they take a piece of you with them. I wear my heart on my sleeve ( as my mother says) and I can't have my heart and soul spread all over.... Those pieces never come back; How long before there's nothing left for me to give..... and I'm turning cold :-( I don't want to be old bitter and alone, with no one to love and no one loving me, no friends or companions....

People suck!

So I have this friend from high school who once upon time used to be my best friend. She is now in the navy active duty, But we almost never talk and she only calls when she's in town or a close by state. I feel like she only calls to hang out with me to occupy some time; And I don't really know her anymore its been 4 years since highschool and I can count how many full conversations we had. I think that if I were really a friend there would have been more effort to talk every once and awhile. I also understand were grown up and have lives I have mine to but its not that hard to send a e-mail or chat for 15 minutes even if its just to catch up. I have a life to and I can't drop it cuz your in town for a few days and didn't give prior notice; I have a life just because I'm not in school out of state or full time; or not active duty; doesn't mean that I'm not just as busy! But I can keep in touch and care to for people who care about me! And are actually there for me when I need them not just around when its convient for them! URGGGHHH!!!!!! People who read my blog are closer to me right now!

April 22nd

So today is earth day and it is also my niece's birthday she's 14 now! I remember when she was just a baby :-) she's beautiful and smart; I know if my brother were alive he would be so proud of the young lady she's turned out to be. I don't get to spend as much time with her now since I turned 18 I've been running trying to get my life together but she's always on my heart.

I also have an interview with Dunn brothers coffee today! I'm ready to get rid of my dead beat call center job and go back to school full time* So that's why I'm looking for a coffee house job. I'm excited I miss working at coffee shops! So far I worked at Nordstrom e-bar in the mall of America as well as Starbucks and Dunn brothers (but only for 2 weeks :-) but coffee is fun and interesting to me; I don't know why. Oh maybe cuz I've been addicted since I was 6 years old when I used to steal sips of my moms (@_@) I would love to own my coffee shop one day. Once I'm done with nursing I plan to pursue it. Right now I'll try and work my way up in the ranks! I would like to be supervisor within a year; but we'll see how the interview goes first.

Wish me Luck!!!

A story about Ebony

I haven't really written much about me lately and to be truthful; I've been wrapped up in thoughts of my situation, which hasn't had me feeling so happy. It's also hard to write negative things especially since I know anyone could read my blog; and I have to admit I can be really negative and I don't want my blog to be me ranting when it's suppose to be me discovering myself. Even though I know everything wont always be sunshine.

And since tomorrow is my birthday I figure I'll speak a little on myself; I personally love it when people tell me who they are so I'll tell you guys a little about my life up until now. And I will post photos tonite I swear, as soon as I get home from work.

So I was born on 04/20/1987 in Minneapolis, Minnesota. On a Monday the day after Easter :-) The same day as Hitler 04/20/1889 and the same day years later of the columbine high school shooting/ massacre 04/20/1999. :-( Also national weed/ marijuana/cannabis day because cops code for people smoking pot is 4 20.

I was raised in Minnesota even though my mom was born in Memphis, TN and raised in Lambert,Mississippi; a small town! Which she ran from and I'm happy. Then there's my father who was born in Chicago,IL and actually was hooked up with my mom by his brother and came to Minnesota.

And here you have Me an African American girl in the inner city of Minnesota and I don't like this term but to explain me I'm an Oreo like the cookie; black on the outside and white on the inside. Many cultures have their version. basically your one nationality but act like a Caucasian/European American. So I talk like valley girl and wear preppy clothes and hang out with allot of white people growing up; in Minnesota which is very common to be mixed race or have interracial relationships because it's predominately white, even though theres every culture under the sun here were a small percentage.

I grew up in a single parent home with my mother. My father who i no longer speak to has been in prison most of my life. I'm the youngest, I have a sister who is 13 years older than me shaped me in a major way making sure that my horizons are broad and I keep an open mind to everything especially other cultures. And had a brother 15 years older he baught me my first pair of name brand shoes. He was murdered 19 days after my 8th birthday and 17 days after my niece was born; she'll be 14 on 04/22 they grow up so fast :-)

I was a terrible student never higher than a C average but I was social and athletic, I'm surprised I graduated :-) My first job was in nordstrom espresso bar making coffee :-) My first boyfriend was a loser :-/ I went to every high school dance and was stood up for the last one prom, which I now don't have a picture from but i was beautiful that day. I hung around every crowd throughout my school days from skaters, smokers, preps, rockers to the girly mean girls. But friends came and went betrayed and used; And grew apart, and moved on.

I graduated and joined the army reserves. tried going to school; I met my boyfriend we moved in together. then tried working I worked at Macy's then Starbucks, then doing insurance verification. Then I found out it was time to go to Iraq; but during training before we left my shoulder fell out the socket while I was on the range, I ended needing surgery and didn't have to go. A blessing is what Marcus (my boyfriend) called it :-)

Now I work at call center for insurance and I plan to quit once I get money for a car, and start over to work at Dunn brothers coffee and go back to school full time for nursing; and move back with mom, next month....

Well I'm being long winded... I'll post pics tomorrow hopefully

Finally warmth

So it is finally warm in Minnesota! It is even suppose to get up to 75F/23C today. I love the heat :-) I have even started to ride my bike to work and on errands. I have not lost any weight but I do feel with the extra bike riding home from work and on errands it will drop off in no time (*~*) I also did my taxes last mintue :-(

No voice....

So I lost my voice Tuesday and now its completely back! It was so crazy I sounded like Minnie mouse.

I've never lost my voice before, especially not for 2 days! But then of course I began to think what if my voice never came back? How hard would it be to not have a voice; especially since I'm so used to talking and singing. That could really frustrating not being able to respond immediately and the thought of having to learn sign language or writing everything down would be crazy.

It was scary and I now appreciate the ability to speak!

My weekend....

So this weekend I had to go to the army for my reserves duty; Which I always dread but never turns out to be to bad. So we had our preperation for next month drill; We going to camp ripley where we do our weapons qualifiations. I'm always excited for that bad I was made a driver and I am not excited about that, the hum V's are so uncomfortable especially for the driver and for 3 hours I'll be stuck in that seat :-( but hopefully it will be warm. So we had radio training for the ones that go in the vehicle which was fun as well but I will never remember it... the only good thing about being a driver is I won't have to deal with it :-)

URggHHH! My weight!

Okay so I know everybody says oh you can't just go off the number on the scale but lately I can; I haven't worked out since December and I have no muscle mass. So what I'll do for now is cardio so I can burn fat that weight I can look at the pounds I loose... I don't really want to build muscle mass; I especially wont focus on it since its inevitable. But Today is the day! SERIOUSLY!!! I know I've been harping on it and whining... But I'm deed serious I want to drop 10 pounds by 04/20 which is my birthday and that means really cracking down so starting this evening I will be working out; This year is the year I turn my life around not only will I loose the weight again... But I will keep it of and I want every one to hold me to it! Now I know 20 days is close in order to loose 10 lbs so I'll account that it may be 6 lbs which is healthy. And every Sunday I'll take measurements not just rely on the scale; and also take pictures. So I can see the difference for myself. I'm now officially done with being over weight; I want to be me old curvy but petite/ athletic self. So I'll be hitting the gym 6 days a week at least 4-5 days for an hour to hour and half. Anyone want to join me in loosing those pounds??? I have a long way to go but it may go by faster if I know there's someone out there doing it to. :-) So I want to loose 35 pounds; usually the first pounds are easiest so My first goal is 10 pounds. Wish me luck! And any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Love

Does it grow?
Does it fade?
Do you love with your whole heart;
or just part?
Is love true?
Sometimes it makes me blue...
Does love Rhyme like this poem?
Or is it wild like a boheme?
If love is lost can it be found?
Like a sock with a basset hound.
Does he love me or not, he told me once;
but I forgot....
I wear my heart on my sleeve,
some times his I can not see.
Is this love true?
Or am I in love with you?
I'm confused, do I make sense; or dollars?
It's a rainy day...
My heads in another place from my face.
My heart is in the shade.

Its official!

So I have swallowed my pride ( with my boyfriends convincing). I am moving back in to my mothers house. Now some may not feel this to be to bad, I mean my sister has and she's 34 and she's content especially the part where she saves alot of money, which will make it easier for me. But me I'm stubborn and hard headed and I love to do things my way. which is why I moved out in the first place, which isn't hard to do in minnesota since its affordable; but now its time for me to crack down and get serious about going to school, which I'd liked to have finished by the time I'm 25. I was so nervous to talk to my mom, IDK why but I was; she's happy that I'm serious about going back to school; Especially since she told me I should just go for nursing. I was being difficult but it turns out I could actually be a really good nurse; I found this out from doing my clinicals in nursing assistant class. So there we have it step one!

Red Lobster

So last night me and my co-workers/ friends went out to eat at red lobster, its our stress relief from working; we figure at least once a month we could get together outside of work and have fun, also to gripe and gossip about work....

So my boyfriend had this idea for a movie similar to office space and waiting; if any of you have seen those movies that's how i feel about my job. If you haven't basically office space/ waiting are 90's movies about working less than shit jobs and how we deal with them; peoples day to day frustration with work but in a comedy because this can be depressing... I do recommend if you haven't seen either you should they're funny and if you've ever worked in a restaurant or office you'll understand... Shameless plug but waiting has a "sequel" called still waiting which is even more funny than the last and makes reference to a hooters type restaurant; as a gateway job to striping. No offense to any one at all.

My vice is FOOD! Weight on my mind again... *** Also Updated page so anyone can leave comments***

So it's a terrible world we live in when one can feel guilty just for eating :-( Which is what I feel now... I got this website to keep track of calories and what I eat and even calories a burn now this is a nice tool. http://www.thedailyplate.com/ But sometimes I wonder if this borders on being obsessive? counting calories what kind of society does one live in where they have to literally monitor their intake because our food is fatty and portions are out of control...

I must also give you some Back ground on myself.... So you understand my need to be obsessive... In high school I was athletic so I could eat what ever I wanted and not gain weight cuz I was always active; from there I joined the army which I could eat double what I wanted and managed to have the body of a pro athlete.... But after that I returned home and being African American when ever opportunity arises we cook; good, bad, sad, weddings and death; there is opportunity to gorge yourself. Me being a gluttoness~ My major sin... I love to go out to eat fancy restaurants all types of food not just my own but I embraces all cultures when it comes to food and will try anything once :-) my faves Ethiopian(anything African), Korean, Japanese, Italian, french, Mexican, Caribbean, Indian, Chinese, Mongolian, and middle eastern especially Afghani!

But subsequently I gained at least 30 pounds/ 13 kilo! lost it then gained it back again recently; now I'm overweight but not ashamed to admit I now weight on a good day 170 pounds/ 77 kilo and I'm 64" inches tall :-( but I guess I carry it well considering muscle mass; but I don't look my usually athletic curvy self that once weighed in High school 140 pounds/ 63 kilo....

Now with this guilt I have in mind I did track my calories for what I ate last night at Wendy's one of my many favorite guilty pleasures; my vice food and fast food!!!! So I find my food in the search engine and it seems I have consumed my daily calories in one sitting 1,500 calories damn near in one meal! May I also add I was being greedy and all I eat prior the whole day was a measly hot pocket, may I also add that I was sad and seeking comfort in a spicy chicken burger and large fries ( which was very tasty) but now I feel shamed for this sick indulgence of mine and must do at least an hour on the elliptical today...

NO DOUBT (RETURN OF SATURN) SONGS ON MY MIND

"Suspension Without A Suspense"

My divorce from dependence

That's when you found me

I was still soft

And we always were in trouble

Odds stacked against us

And trouble's what we are

We get so far

And then it just starts rewinding

And the same old song

We're playing it again

Suspension without suspense

Now that I've murdered your inspiration

And I forced you off

Do you hate me?

Do you want revenge?

I want to call you

But I won't

We get so far

And then it just starts rewinding

And the same old song

We're playing it again

Suspension without suspense

Oh the pessimistic protection plan

Moderation loving

I've been hardened by the circumstance

We knew this was coming

We get so far

And then it just starts rewinding

And the same old song

We're playing it again

Suspension without suspense

We get so far

And then it just starts rewinding

And the same old song

We're playing it again and again

Suspension without suspense

Intentions without intent

But I don't want the love we have to end

NO DOUBT (RETURN OF SATURN) SONGS ON MY MIND

"Artificial Sweetener"

Oh yes I'm guilty

For leasing myself out

Not ready to go up for sale

Can't seem to give it up

Stubborn, so selfish

I'm showing off the worst in me

The return of Saturn

Assessing my life Second guessing...

I'm full of artificial sweetener

My heart's been deceitful

It's all artificial sweetener

I'm faking I love you's

You're forcing me to

You really deserve love

I want to love you

But I can't seem to find myself

My wilting effort

Our progress report

I'm only sure that I'm not sure

I shudder to be honest

Who's behind it all now?

Who's the author?

I'm full of artificial sweetener

My heart's been deceitful

It's all artificial sweetener

I'm faking I love you's

You're forcing me to

Re-read, re-write, redo, undo

I'm stuck on this page

I was born two weeks late

Is that why I hesitate?

I'm on the fence

Push me off it

I want to be on your side now

And keep a promise

I'm full of artificial sweetener

My heart's been deceitful

It's all artificial sweetener

My heart's been deceitfulI

'm faking I love you's

You're forcing me to

NO DOUBT (RETURN OF SATURN) SONGS ON MY MIND

"Comforting Lie"

I started out on the wrong foot

Now I'm not myself

I am Jekyll, I am Hyde

Found this place to hide

Come seek me

Oh, so up and down

So back and forth So insecure

Can't get this taste out of my mouth

Swallow it down

Pretend

Hold it, hold it all in

Let it build up Build a bomb

Blow it, blow it away

Clear it all out

Just end it

I'm just a normal person

Without those problems

When did it change?

Admissions so embarrassing

I'm on the verge of tears again

Hold it, hold it all in

Let it build up

Build a bomb

And blow it, blow it away

Clear it all out

Just end it

Oh look I took the Band-Aid off

Did I take it off too soon?

Hysterical confession

My big courageous move

Don't gasp at the predictable

A comforting lie can't last

Preordained checklist of this awkward love

It's so sad

Hold it, hold it all in

Let it build up

Oh, build a bomb

Blow it, blow it away

Clear it all out

Just end it

Sort it, sort it out

Just give it back

No thank you

Toss it, toss it away

Eliminate Just give up

I can't decide

This tug of war

I'm feeling weak

NO DOUBT (RETURN OF SATURN) SONGS ON MY MIND

Too Late lyrics

I just want to take you away from everyone

And keep you stashed under my pillowAnd then I'd take you out simply for my own pleasure

And wear you when the occasions special

Then I'd put you on like a diamond

So I can sparkle and be the envy of my friends

I'd proudly hold the leash that I'd have you on

So you can't stray and follow me around all day

It's too late nowI don't think it can fade

It's too real now Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blaze

Compulsion has stained me I'm nervously cradling our young love, without known limits love

Like a butterfly cupped in my hands I peek in[TK1] to see beauty trapped

Confined it flutters Then it leaves behind colorful dust

To remind me of the special times we've spent

But of course it has to leave my clutch

But enough's never enough to make a dent It's too late now

I don't think it can fadeIt's too real now

Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blazeAnd in time it will end

And there really isn't hope for the two of us

But right now I give in...It's too late now

I don't think it can fade

It's too real now Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blaze

Fulfillment just adds fuel to the Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blaze

I HATE MY JOB!!!!

So I work at a customer service call center and we get paid base pay I'm not ashamed so I'll admit I get paid $12.79 and depending on how well you do like any customer service job you get paid for your performance. Well we've been going through changes as far as quality where someone listens to your call and grades it based on how well you covered all info. patience, nice and everything that needed to be given to the person regarding what they called for. They've now cracked down and what used to be 101% is now 95% which some would say is not bad still but in order to get an extra .50 cents 101%, 102%= $1.00, $1.50=102%, $2.00= 103%, 2.50 = 104% and finally $3.00 = 105%. So you see my $12.79 an hour which is far from enough for the crap I put up with can become $15.79 which make this pice of shit job partially worth my time >:-/

But since my manager failed to tell me my break scheduled changed 11 days into the month, I don't get it. WTF!!!!!!!!!!

Loosing weight?

Why do they call it loosing weight? why wouldn't they call it getting rid off or killing excess weight because its not like I would want to find it if I lost it :-/ So I'm really frustrated and it seems like the more I want to loose weight, the harder it is... I have even gained a few pounds! I find myself starring at the scale wondering why it has a vendetta against me! I haven't been doing a specific diet or meal plan I just try not to eat bad foods and excede 1,500 calories especially since I don't work out that should be good, right? I try to to work out but don't always get to it now I have 30 pounds to loose now. It seems like it will never happen.... This has been a very frustrating thing for the last 4 years for me, I lost weight once before and gained it back worse than before; it seems impossible now, even though I did it before :-(

Spring cleaning

So I have decided to do some spring cleaning but not the usual clean the coats out of the closet; I mean cleaning out myself getting rid of all the bad and making my mistakes right again... This will be the second vow of mine to do all of these things but it takes times (right?).

So saturday I baught a bike even though it keeps snowing and I may not be able to ride it for another month, I'm going to loose and keep my weight off and that will help; once its warm enough I plan to ride it to and from work and any close errands I can do :-) I use to do that all the time until my bike was stolen but I was slim, I've gotten lazy driving.

My next task is friendship with family I've been working on it but felt it was one sided and gave up, I intend to make it possible for it not to be one sided and be more friendly and invited. I received a note on myspace from my best friend in high school who asked if we could be friends again, at first I was rather skiptical but I do miss her; I have alienated alot of friends since graduating high school for many reasons but hers could have been avioded.

My fiances suck right now I could be so much. Looking at my W2's I made a decent amount of money for someone who hasn't gone to college yet but I didn't take care of anything that I needed to. So this year I will bring my credit back up which used to be really good and now its poor :-( also getting my own car....

But gotta work now.... To be continued ;-)

College? Life? Did I really F up?

Why didn't I go to college? Because I was scared ( and I still am), I was immature and stupid. Even if I just went to community college like I'm trying to do now and just went for anything; I would be better off then I am now.

And I regret 01/29/2005 joining the military every day because I was scared I wouldn't make it in college and I wanted an out. Now I'm stuck with that; how is it I make the worst possible mistakes for myself? How could I fuck my life up to the point of no return?

I applied for one school and didn't get in; I've been making excuses every since, its always been every one elses fault but my own.

I Fuck'd up, and I hate myself every day for it. Why do I make such stupid mistakes, why can't I tell the good from the bad, the right from the wrong... Will I ever learn???

I'm not sure where I'm headed, does GOD have a purpose for my life?
I'm filled with self doubt, plagued by demons real and imaginary, frightend by the challenges ahead and haunted by the ghost of my past. Will I ever know who I am?

IDK... Random thoughts....

I haven't had much on my mind to blog about the last couple days... I've just been working and being irritated with my job; customer service sucks I really want a new job where I don't sit on my butt all day, I've applied to jobs so we'll see what happens... If I don't find something in the next couple months I'm going back to school for my pharmacy tech license cuz I hate being on the phone, I would prefer to deal with people in person, for some reason their not as inclined to curse you out... Even though its not my fault they don't know how their insurance works, and threaten me like I care if the switch companies

But on the up site I found a cosmetology student who is going to give me a free mani and pedi on Craig's list! I love criagslist you can find the most random and useful things I also will go pick up two bikes on Saturday for $40. The deals :-) I'm such a junkie for craigslist since I just sit at my desk all day waiting for people to call, if its not busy I can find a lot of things like a hair stylist who will do extensions for half the price of these other cracked out stylist....

I think I'll start a hair blog as well if anyone is interested??? I'm obsessed with cosmetology but I can't bring myself to go to school for it since it doesn't pay very well especially now a days... I'm slowly learning to do all the things I take pleasure in myself, my sister loves my pedi's. and I'm good with basic styles I just hate to do my own hair :-P

I'm to the point of rambling now but Its 6AM and I'm bored at work I've only been here for an hour unfortunately... But on the upside I've only gotten one call, maybe I'll nap at my desk till my co-worker gets in and yells at me for not doing any work

TTYL ~Ebony

Friday 13th

Soo me and My hubby celebrated our lovers day early since its the easiest we went to the Mall of America (even though every day is date for us cuz were dorks in love :-) First we started with our favorite french food crepes at crepe stand (oh la la) then walked around the mall cuz I was stuffed; like a greedy american I got nutella, strawberry and banana's on mine (yum yum) and he had the spinach with extra Swiss (yum yum).

We figured a matinee would be nice so ironically we went to see "He just not that into you". It was funny and romantic :-) but I'm also a big sap... Oh and how exciting we sat in the VIP movie theatre 21+ crazy this is new to me but you check in and they take your snack order, go in and the chairs are bigger and and have nice tables for your snacks and the chairs actually recline ( not like where you sit and have to push the chair in front of you to lean back) while watching previews the nice man who checked us in brings us or popcorn buttered to perfection, drinks with straws and napkins. It was nice and relaxed and you don't have to worry about middle school students who are just barley old enough to see the movie being corrupt and ruing your movie going experience, not to be a snob cuz I was once one of them but this can be rather bother some once your out of high school.

Then off for more adventure to moose mountain for mini golf but this got kinda tiresome after 5 holes since were both A.D.D there was also a line so we couldn't just go straight through our game but we still made it fun...

Next was off for random window shopping we saw an interesting computer and one of those stands its a super computer it was crazy we were like moths to lite; it was blue and had some coolant oil running through the whole thing or they had one where it was completely sub-merged, it was super fast and super expensive... after indulging ourselves we finally asked the price and it was only $2,900!!! And we left ;-) off to our favorite store urban outfitters to explore as usual....

From there it was to midtown exchange for some food I got egg roll noodle salad and Marcus had curry chicken from safari and we both enjoyed our favorite drink bubble tea...

Then stopped by my moms for a few hours to visit since she put me up to buying here some ribs and I had to pick up my W2's.

Then home to cuddle and talk and eventually pass out since I had to be up and at work by 5 :-(

Heros~Random thoughts

So I do have to admit I'm rather late but I'm I am now on board... I've started the series of hero's and I'm so hooked I'm only on the first season, I really want to watch this season but i like to go in order so I know whats going on. I'm the biggest kid you'll ever meet I've been obsessed with the possibility of the super natural forever...

So of all the super hero's and fairy tales the "ability" or "talent" I would like... It's hard but one of my favorite super hero is super man with super ability's all around the board; flying is my favorite of his I like the Idea of being like a bird.

I've always had dreams of hang gliding, jumping of buildings, sky diving; sky surfing, and another random one is is teleporting through different elements of space.

So I now pose the question if what if it isn't just some writers imagination? Theres been theories of gods and goddess's, witch's and warlocks, elves, vampires, creatures of the night, people with super abilities, and aliens. Soo did some early time drug addict come up with this or is it a possibility?

And I'll be the crazy one to admit it... I think so :-)

The world

So back to my blunder of what to do with my life, as I have said I'm not rich but I would love to see the world. I would love to live in another country learn the language, eat the food, see the architecture and clothing; oh and hear the music... But how on earth can any do this with out living on ramen for a year just to go some where for a week :-( I don't want to be a tourist and see the main attractions; I want to embrace the life...

I just want to embrace life in general! I feel like I'm not really living, especially not the way I want to... I would love to have "the perfect job" don't know if anyone heard of it but here they pay you to be a tourist for 6 mos in Australia... Oh it will be some snob who probably seen the rest of the world so easily...

Ugh thats all I want in life is to see the world... But how???

Art school???

So I really love fashion and would love to be a desighner have my own clothing lines but I feel I'm not creative enough... I was told you don't need to be able to draw to be a desighner, becuase drawing is not an option but for me but I do enjoy it... Is it possible to make a career out of something when their is a strong chance you may not be talented enough??? My original plan because their hasn't been a plan in my heart all along was to be a nurse... Something there's security in and I could be very talented at I have a special gift for sciences even though I don't feel i'm smart once it's there it sticks. I even took a career test hoping to reveal my hearts true desires and art was 7th! on the list which I'll paste at the end of my blog as proof... So as a gesture to ignite the passion in my heart that I have for fashion, I will start to compile my ideas in a fashion blog :-) I feel friday will be a good day for it! And to any curious about the career test that will lead you to what your good at not what in your heart :-/ I also thought it was funny that fianance is at the bottom... Seeing as thats my main issue I don't want to spend alot of money on school and come out with nothing even if I could get loans to cover it all....

From http://www.rocketcareer.com

Career Track

Ranking
1) Health Care 100 %
2) Natural Sciences 94 %
3) Teaching & Education 62 %
4) Sports, Media, & Entertainment 48 %
5) Community Service & Social Sciences 38 %
6) Engineering & Architecture 32 %
7) Creative Arts 27 %
8) Technology 19 %
9) Business & Management 17 %
10) Hospitality & Service 14 %
11) Finance & Management 7 %

Who Am I?

I'm new but not new to blogging. This blog is meant to be a discoveration of who I am. I know that my name is Ebony, I know tham i'm 21, I know that I was born and raised in minneapolis,mn; I know that I'm dark skinned, I know that I'm carzy, I know that I'm lazy but I work hard, I know that I'm bored with just existing... It's time for me to know who I am...